Only few of my friends and family know how much of a drama queen I am, and usually those who know a lot about me could see through my tom boyish and tough appearance. They know I am very (emotional and physically) sensitive and they don’t find me… ‘daunting’ or at least thats what most of my friends thought of me when they saw me for the first time. They found me, intimidating; tough-looking; hard to deal with; scary eyed; etc. and I actually laughed at this, do I really look that… scary? cause, I don’t think I do.
Well maybe that’s why its hard for me to make friends? Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends. Close friends, geeky friends, mother-like friends, happy-go-lucky friends, frenemies… but best friends? I think not. Well that depends on my idea of the word ‘best friend’. If I see them as funny, understanding, knowing, sharing-secret-looks… then yes, I have best friends. In fact, I have a lot of best friends. But no, thats not all, I want them to be with me forever. But I never have any friends that are with me “forever”, they all come and go. Or maybe, thats not what I want?
I don’t know what I want.
All I know is that I just want to have a friend.
And you know who I think of? JESUS. He’s the only perfect best friend, He has the answers to everything, He knows you, He loves you, He understands you. He’s always there for you. But sometimes- no scratch that- most of the time, we never really acknowledge His presence, and thats why we get the tendency to feel lonely.
I admit, I cry EVERY night- and I know thats quite dramatic- but I cry every night, asking for God to give me a friend, to be there for me. I ask Him if He could hear me, if He could hear my prayers, when will they be answered… if they’ll be answered at all? Thing is, I already know the answers to these questions. Lord, can You hear me? Yes He can. Can You hear my prayers? Yes. When will they be answered? Someday. Will they ever be answered? Yes and if not, then God has something better in mind.
Sometimes, I ask Him to hug me and sing me to sleep, and I imagine His voice, booming with power yet soft as the wind. Such a wonderful God…
And after re-reading this, I noticed something… I don’t cry myself to sleep- I PRAY myself to sleep and there is nothing more better than to have a nice talk with God as He listens to the voice of His child.
PS. mom and dad? If you’re reading this, I’d like to have some alone time with God 😀 but if you “insist”, feel free to join us.