When my Heart Doesn’t Burn for God…


My Heart Yearns to Burn for Christ

May ~ June 11, 2014

School’s ended a bit too early for me, though I must admit I had prayed so much for it to end, yet I still feel a deep void within me. My situation? I’ve lost my passion. I haven’t really lost it, I just feel like I did. Of all the things I’ve gone through, I find this the hardest to deal with. I find it impossible to not hunger for the Lord. He has done so many wonders in my life, He gave me so many beautiful things I don’t deserve, showed me a glimpse of Heaven through His creations, and because of that one touch of His love, He changed me… But my desire for God is like a roller coaster, it just goes up and down, but never stays up where all the beauty could be seen and admired. I expected to have an exciting vacation filled with missions and glorifying praise for the Lord! But it was when vacation started had I felt the loss of purpose and growth of boredom. How do I turn this Holiday, into a Holy day?

I hoped this feeling would go away the next day, but it just grew worse and worse the more I waited. I felt no passion and no burning desire for God, though I continued to encourage other people despite my situation, I didn’t feel God’s presence at all. I felt like I had just wasted my time… I recall my aunt say,

We should pray even if we don’t feel like it. PUSH! Pray Until Something Happens.

It was a simple command to pray, but ignoring your emotions isn’t. I can’t count how many times I had dismissed my prayer time for my own desires or just plain laziness, but has God ever dismissed my requests? No, He listens and he answers. I know this, because I have witnessed it. Then why at times do I feel like He’s not there, when I know for sure He is? Here’s a thing we should all remember, our feelings our unreliable. Our feelings change all the time, we can’t rely on it. But our God and His word? it will never change. Our identity is based on the bible, God’s word, and not our emotions. Makes sense?

To be honest, I asked for this. I recall telling God, “Lord, you are so amazing! I will never drift away again! Test me, test my faith in you! I could handle it, for I know that you wouldn’t give me something I couldn’t carry”, I imagined God smiling at me, shaking his head in amusement and saying “Okay my child, but there will be a time when you will drift away… don’t worry, I’ll never leave you”. I practically shook my head at this, “No, Lord, I will never!”  How could I? I love you all too much to turn my back. He was right though, I did drift away, but He didn’t. 🙂 I prayed this because I wanted to prove myself to God, which reminds me of Peter and the Rooster…

 (Luke 22:33-34) But he said to Him, “Lord, with You I am ready to go both to prison and to death!” Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.” and yet again, He was right! Amazing isn’t it?

But why would God allow this? What’s the purpose of trying to connect with God when He simply allows me to feel like He’s not even there?

What’s faith when we could FEEL God all the time?

And that basically answered it, God answered my question with another question haha. Man, there are lots of proof that God exists, yet why do I still doubt? Well, its human nature. But we have a perfect God who will never leave us, who will never give us up. He loves us. And I keep saying this because I KNOW it, I have felt it, the feelings just kind of vanished though- but I’ll keep fighting for that, you know why? Because once you have felt that LOVE of GOD… you will never be the same again. You will yearn for it. 

How do I fight the wall that’s keeping me from God?

Never give up. You have to exert effort in this. I know I did, I had to. It’s easy to just give up and drift away, but once you do that- there will always be that missing piece and no other person or thing or even angels could fill. Only Jesus. So what I continuously do each day is that when I wake up in bed, I put God first. No matter how much I want to pick up my phone and check my notifications- it would only make me feel discouraged and disappointed. So, put God first. He will never disappoint you. You just have to be persistent, grab His attention! Check this out…

(Luke 18:1, 7-8) Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly…

So I tell you now (including myself), be persistent. No it doesn’t annoy God as I thought it would, instead, it grabs His attention and He sees what’s in your house- sorry, I mean heart. Haha, I wandered off a bit over there. Anyway, see my point? I know its easy to just stay where you are and stay depressed and discouraged and just wallow in it (because after all these times you’ve carried this for so long, and now its turned into your comfort zone- and no matter how ironic this is, its true) but I tell you now, that unless you do something about it, surrender, and be right with God you will never be able to fill up that missing piece in your heart.

I wanted God to surprise me, to give me a job to do, to use me…

That desire to be used… it always stuck. I always wanted something big to happen, for God to surprise me. But its been so long and nothing happened. I became discouraged and lost hope. But you see, I should be in content with what God has given me. If I ain’t content with the small things in life, then what about the bigger things God has in store for me?

Every time I wake up from bed, I have this discouraged and sunken feeling like “Oh! its another same old day… yippie.” but again! I have to tell myself over and over that I shouldn’t cater my feelings. I shouldn’t feed on it. I shouldn’t trust my feelings ’cause it changes every time- but God doesn’t! No matter how low I feel without that passion in my heart- everything would just stay dull. I read the bible everyday, I try to give my time to God, I talk to Him in every moment I remember Him- I just want to feel Him there. But, nothing. No audible voice. No visions. No dreams. No, nothing. And its really frustrating but it doesn’t shake my faith at all- I know and believe that there is still a God out there, listening to me. That’s my comfort. And this is what I advice you to do, after this very long post, this is finally the conclusion to all the things I have just said…

Do everything, and I mean everything you can to feel and ignite that connection between you and God. Fight for it! If its singing, reading the bible, praying- just do whatever it takes. Even if it only lasts for a moment. I just couldn’t get over it.

You could never get an overdose from the love of Christ. Never.

And I just love to write… I know random- but writing out my feelings is like my way of connecting to God. I seek Him and the questions I have in my mind makes me want to get to know God more and more each day. And just writing it down… God somehow, in His own wondrous way, gives me the answers to all these questions as I continue to just write and write and write to Him and to you guys. Paul is right…

For, “Who can know the LORD’s thoughts? Who knows enough to teach him?” But we understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ. (1 Corinthians 2:16)

Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did. (1 John 2:6)

This is a pretty long post- or at least for me… haha! but I just really felt this one in my heart. And I really want to encourage all of you to, NOT give up on the Lord 🙂 He never gave up on you. That’s all for now lovelies ❤ God bless you all!

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Correcting a Quote using a Godly Message


Have you ever seen those smart and relatable quotes that many people re-tweet on twitter, tumblr, Facebook, instagram, etc? Well, not all of those “eye-catching”, “heart-touching”, “worth-laughing” quotes are true… why? Because they lack Godly messages. Teenagers are attracted to these memes and think that these could help them in their near future and the way they are living right now. An example of these quotes:

Credits to the owner <3 Whoever you are.

Credits to the owner.

Sometimes we need to forget some people from our past, because of one simple reason: they just don’t belong in our future.

Correction:

As a Christian, one of our mission is to share the gospel. Why? To save people and to lift them up to Jesus. And why again? because we don’t want to see them rot in hell… Basically, a person from our past or any person for that matter should never be forgotten because they are family and they belong in our future. They are the children of Christ and they are very very special. No matter what wrong they have done, God told us to forgive and forget… but do NOT forget the person, but forget their sins.

The Story of Me- Just Pray…


- Mary Pacis

– Mary Pacis

July 13 2013

JULY 12 2013

Yesterday was a very “Bi-polar” day 🙂 Nonetheless, I thanked the Lord for it. In the morning, I got up with a grumpy aura, knowing very well that, THAT day was our tambourine practice for church and I’m not much of a dancer. It’s been a long time since I’ve danced using the tambourine. So, dancing now… I feel all stiff and awkward. But I kept muttering to myself

‘I’m doing this for the Lord, I’m doing this for the Lord’

And teasing God by saying ‘What I do for love…’ and imagining His reply ‘And do you know what I do for YOU?’

Anyways, another reason why I woke up grumpy in the morning was because Prince (a kid) here wanted to have a sleepover at my house. And I couldn’t say no, since I love kids… well, now I dont. I kind of have this ‘mixed feelings’ when it comes to kids and I swear, I could have died right here and right now.

As I arrived to the dance practice (with Faye), I actually had tons of fun… laughing, eating, and dancing for the glory of the Lord. It was very very fun, and I found out that,

“Whatever you do, when you do it for the Lord, NOTHING is boring”

When I went home after the practice, all sweaty and flushed, we had a bible study with our ‘Heart Group’, and I learnt about LOVE. I found out that there was A LOT I didn’t know about love… Gosh, I need lots of love. *smiley face* 🙂

At the end of the bible study, I joined dad as he sent the people home, and while we were talking, I suddenly felt alone, like nobody understands me and how I feel.

And at night, I cried myself to sleep with the song ‘Just Pray’ by Moriah Peters echoing in my ears… and that’s what I did.

——————————————–

So today, I danced the tambourine at church and I felt good… I will definitely try it again next time. Especially if I’m gonna dance for Jesus ❤

After church, Jelly, Dodo, Aunty Orange, and Krusty went to my house and watched HALF of the World War Z (The computer crashed right at the middle, when the -SPOILER ALERT-). We also ate homemade frenchfries, Pansit Kanton, and watched Yes or No (Thai)

Then we went to Dubai Mall to eat, but as we arrived, Jelly and Krusty had to leave. So me, Dodo, and Orange are left.

I expected it to be awkward, since we aren’t all close, but it was actually good 🙂 Me and Dodo roamed around the mall, talking about life and our family (and our crushes) *wink- wink* ;D

And, I learnt a lot today…

That my Aunty Orange’s husband Joey, worked at Tarzam! Haha but besides that, I found out that,

GOD ALWAYS HAS A WAY!

PS. My hands hurt from writing on this diary.

(A/N: This is really my diary and I tell the truth, hope you guys could relate to this, and remember, GOD HAS A WAY, He always has a way…)

 

Birthdays, Love, and Joy.


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As most of you already know… I am absolutely NOT a big fan of parties, wether its a halloween party, birthday party, funeral party (wink wink). They’re all the same to me.

Until Caleb’s birthday… to tell you the truth, I dont really know how old he is. Well, today is his birthday in which I attended (I had no choice). My teenage friends werent there (besides AJ) and I was quite lonely. I didnt mind though.

It was time to sing happy birthday to the birthday boy. This happens to be my favorite part besides from the amusement I get from watching the kids play. So, we were all rounding up to sing “Happy Birthday” to Caleb, Caleb, is a very special child (and what I mean by special is UNIQUE, just because someone says special child doesnt automatically mean mentally crazy or something). He is just like all the other boys, and just like other boys, he is unique.

While we were singing Happy Birthday, he had this big grin on his face, he was soo happy. It made me realize that there is really no reason for me to dislike parties or anything. The truth is, I dont even dislike it. I just get bored easily…

I felt my tears start to water. WAIT! What I mean is, I felt my eyes start to water. (Sorry). It was ju- I felt this nice, warm, fuzzy, ticklish, annoying  little feeling inside of me. I dont know why. Maybe its the kid’s smile. He was just SO happy. I then start to imagine me and my kid someday, which made me want to cry more, but my girly (manly) pride wont let me.

Things like these make me feel the joys of being in love with our Father, God. Its really a wonder how He loves us even though we broke His heart many times, He still forgives…

I Love You Jesus.

Random Untitled poem about my confusing brain…


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I close my eyes and think if some days would ever change,
If days would just fly pass me,
If I’d like to stay the same…

Pondering on things that can never really come true,
It’s really such a shame that all my thoughts are all on you.

Sometimes you would make me turn to different shades of grey,
I wonder which side I should go,
Should I leave or should I stay…

But from all the things we’ve done, I still don’t think you understand,
That I am your young sidekick and you’re my superman.

This poem is quite confusing, I really shall admit,
But so is my befuddled brain,
Not many would permit.

I should seriously stop rhyming, and put myself to sleep,
So au revoir now!
It’s time to count some sheep!

– Mary Pacis [10:54 pm]

I love blogging so much :D


I love love love! Blogging! It just helps me express my feelings that I want to let out :D, of course only the feelings I could write in public.

Blogging became my life. Sharing the word of God and how my life as a young teen is with Him.

And also I blog about my hobbies and families, like animals and pets, things happening around me…

Also, some of the things I write in this blog is sometimes a copy, like sharing what I have read and re-typing it here so you guys can see it too >.<

My dad’s father is a writer and a very good one indeed… I may have gotten my interest in writing from him 🙂

Usually when I blog I get bored easily and never continue… but when i started using wordpress, it became my interest to share what I have in mind.

I have told many times that I am an introvert, but when I get into blogging I turn into an extrovert talking and sharing a lot of things with my big mouth (or keyboard).  I would really be happy if my Grandfather could see this right now.

God Bless everyone!

Knowing how others feel…


To know how others feel is very easy, IF the person your trying to know is not a great actress 😉

You can know how others feel by their face, tone of voice, body language, etc.

😦  of course, this 😦 means sad, but what I mean by knowing how others feel I meant in another level…

Now this :-/either mean:

1) Well maybe I could give this a try.

2) (being teased at) trying to smile when she wants to cry. I had the same reaction when I was being teased.

3) She’s saying she’s okay when she’s really not.

4) PS. I couldn’t find a human picture with this face.

Warning: There are times when people want you to know how they feel and there are times when they don’t. So control your mouth.

There was one time when I scared my classmate and she screamed and the teacher got angry and one of her friend (my other classmate) told me “Your embarrassed right now, aren’t you?”, when she said that I wanted to shush her and tell her not to say that so loud, because she made me even more embarrassed and additionally guilty, but at least her friend said that it’s okay for scaring her.

Yup.

But there was one time when I needed people to understand my feelings… Without making it sound so bad.

One time my friend was being teased and she did the sad smile, you know, like the one I showed you guys earlier

 like that.

and she ran to the toilet and cried (I knew she cried because I would cry myself), then I went to her and told her to stop crying and that I would cry too if I was treated that way… That time I used to feel lonely, but when I showed her that I understood her feelings, we became close friends 🙂

And another one. Since my dad knows me (a lot, i guess), he would tell me how I feel even though he was not supposed to know, like one time, the doctor said he had a dog so I said to my dad loudly “I want a dog!” hoping the doctor would hear and buy me one (since he is a doctor so he might be rich), yeah, me and my little schemes, but then as we left the hospital, my dad told me what I was trying to do but of course I denied. Oh and in Filipino they call it Nagpaparinig (means trying to let others hear you).

yup, just stick to that warning…

PS. If your feeling lonely and you want others to know how you feel, don’t forget the one who knows all… God.