My Heart Yearns to Burn for Christ
May ~ June 11, 2014
School’s ended a bit too early for me, though I must admit I had prayed so much for it to end, yet I still feel a deep void within me. My situation? I’ve lost my passion. I haven’t really lost it, I just feel like I did. Of all the things I’ve gone through, I find this the hardest to deal with. I find it impossible to not hunger for the Lord. He has done so many wonders in my life, He gave me so many beautiful things I don’t deserve, showed me a glimpse of Heaven through His creations, and because of that one touch of His love, He changed me… But my desire for God is like a roller coaster, it just goes up and down, but never stays up where all the beauty could be seen and admired. I expected to have an exciting vacation filled with missions and glorifying praise for the Lord! But it was when vacation started had I felt the loss of purpose and growth of boredom. How do I turn this Holiday, into a Holy day?
I hoped this feeling would go away the next day, but it just grew worse and worse the more I waited. I felt no passion and no burning desire for God, though I continued to encourage other people despite my situation, I didn’t feel God’s presence at all. I felt like I had just wasted my time… I recall my aunt say,
We should pray even if we don’t feel like it. PUSH! Pray Until Something Happens.
It was a simple command to pray, but ignoring your emotions isn’t. I can’t count how many times I had dismissed my prayer time for my own desires or just plain laziness, but has God ever dismissed my requests? No, He listens and he answers. I know this, because I have witnessed it. Then why at times do I feel like He’s not there, when I know for sure He is? Here’s a thing we should all remember, our feelings our unreliable. Our feelings change all the time, we can’t rely on it. But our God and His word? it will never change. Our identity is based on the bible, God’s word, and not our emotions. Makes sense?
To be honest, I asked for this. I recall telling God, “Lord, you are so amazing! I will never drift away again! Test me, test my faith in you! I could handle it, for I know that you wouldn’t give me something I couldn’t carry”, I imagined God smiling at me, shaking his head in amusement and saying “Okay my child, but there will be a time when you will drift away… don’t worry, I’ll never leave you”. I practically shook my head at this, “No, Lord, I will never!” How could I? I love you all too much to turn my back. He was right though, I did drift away, but He didn’t. 🙂 I prayed this because I wanted to prove myself to God, which reminds me of Peter and the Rooster…
(Luke 22:33-34) But he said to Him, “Lord, with You I am ready to go both to prison and to death!” Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.” and yet again, He was right! Amazing isn’t it?
But why would God allow this? What’s the purpose of trying to connect with God when He simply allows me to feel like He’s not even there?
What’s faith when we could FEEL God all the time?
And that basically answered it, God answered my question with another question haha. Man, there are lots of proof that God exists, yet why do I still doubt? Well, its human nature. But we have a perfect God who will never leave us, who will never give us up. He loves us. And I keep saying this because I KNOW it, I have felt it, the feelings just kind of vanished though- but I’ll keep fighting for that, you know why? Because once you have felt that LOVE of GOD… you will never be the same again. You will yearn for it.
How do I fight the wall that’s keeping me from God?
Never give up. You have to exert effort in this. I know I did, I had to. It’s easy to just give up and drift away, but once you do that- there will always be that missing piece and no other person or thing or even angels could fill. Only Jesus. So what I continuously do each day is that when I wake up in bed, I put God first. No matter how much I want to pick up my phone and check my notifications- it would only make me feel discouraged and disappointed. So, put God first. He will never disappoint you. You just have to be persistent, grab His attention! Check this out…
(Luke 18:1, 7-8) Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly…
So I tell you now (including myself), be persistent. No it doesn’t annoy God as I thought it would, instead, it grabs His attention and He sees what’s in your house- sorry, I mean heart. Haha, I wandered off a bit over there. Anyway, see my point? I know its easy to just stay where you are and stay depressed and discouraged and just wallow in it (because after all these times you’ve carried this for so long, and now its turned into your comfort zone- and no matter how ironic this is, its true) but I tell you now, that unless you do something about it, surrender, and be right with God you will never be able to fill up that missing piece in your heart.
I wanted God to surprise me, to give me a job to do, to use me…
That desire to be used… it always stuck. I always wanted something big to happen, for God to surprise me. But its been so long and nothing happened. I became discouraged and lost hope. But you see, I should be in content with what God has given me. If I ain’t content with the small things in life, then what about the bigger things God has in store for me?
Every time I wake up from bed, I have this discouraged and sunken feeling like “Oh! its another same old day… yippie.” but again! I have to tell myself over and over that I shouldn’t cater my feelings. I shouldn’t feed on it. I shouldn’t trust my feelings ’cause it changes every time- but God doesn’t! No matter how low I feel without that passion in my heart- everything would just stay dull. I read the bible everyday, I try to give my time to God, I talk to Him in every moment I remember Him- I just want to feel Him there. But, nothing. No audible voice. No visions. No dreams. No, nothing. And its really frustrating but it doesn’t shake my faith at all- I know and believe that there is still a God out there, listening to me. That’s my comfort. And this is what I advice you to do, after this very long post, this is finally the conclusion to all the things I have just said…
Do everything, and I mean everything you can to feel and ignite that connection between you and God. Fight for it! If its singing, reading the bible, praying- just do whatever it takes. Even if it only lasts for a moment. I just couldn’t get over it.
You could never get an overdose from the love of Christ. Never.
And I just love to write… I know random- but writing out my feelings is like my way of connecting to God. I seek Him and the questions I have in my mind makes me want to get to know God more and more each day. And just writing it down… God somehow, in His own wondrous way, gives me the answers to all these questions as I continue to just write and write and write to Him and to you guys. Paul is right…
For, “Who can know the LORD’s thoughts? Who knows enough to teach him?” But we understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ. (1 Corinthians 2:16)
Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did. (1 John 2:6)
This is a pretty long post- or at least for me… haha! but I just really felt this one in my heart. And I really want to encourage all of you to, NOT give up on the Lord 🙂 He never gave up on you. That’s all for now lovelies ❤ God bless you all!
My Life with Christ. 